January 2012
39 posts
A father-daughter conversation
Dad: where does Papa Johns pizza even come from?
Me: Well the cheese probably comes from a commercial dairy farm somewhere in Wisconsin. The sauce is likely from a genetically modified tomato factory somewhere in California. And the toppings probably come from wherever they are cheapest.
Dad: blank stare
Dad: I mean like where is the closest Papa Johns store.
My Grandpa just told me this joke
When I used to go to the bar everyone thought I was Jesus Christ. I’d walk in and they would say, ‘Jesus Christ, you again?’
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Watchbutchwalker:
hello all you wonderful people. do you remember the movie “Dazed and Confused”? me too. it was and still is one of my favorite movies. reflects my childhood so much, and also Ben Affleck is a TOTAL asshole in it. i gotta say though, when it comes to classic characters, Matthew McConaughey’s “Wooderson” took the cake… and the high school girls with him… so.. to commemorate the 20...
I'm going to be in another wedding in June in...
21 more and I get a romantic comedy starring James Marsden and a bullet in my brain.
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How bad is the economy these days?
I’m watching Wheel of Fortune and the wheel is all jacked up on bankruptcy and Lose a Turn. And they’re giving away Kia’s.
Also, in what year were Pat Sajak and Vanna White cryogenically frozen?
“Sometimes I lie in my own bed and listen to music for hours. Always Bruce Springsteen, which is weird, I have to admit, because I’m becoming this really urban punked-out kid, and he is kind of the spokesman of the rumpled, working-class suburbs. But I identify with him so completely that I start to wish I could be a boy in New Jersey. I try to convince my mother that we should move...
Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes
There's only three levels of Jen:
Sober
Normal drunk
Build-a-pillow-fort-and-watch-a-Ben-Affleck-movie drunk.
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I Believe Jesus Brought Us Together (The Horrible...
"My butt looks awesome in these pants!"
-me, five minutes before realizing I’m drunk, usually.
WatchNot sure if I could possibly love anything more than this.
i wasn't going to write about this
but I was at my friend’s Dad’s funeral yesterday and the viewing started at 2pm and lasted until 7. It was like 2:30 and Amanda’s six-year old nephew Cameron came up to me and said “Grandpa’s got a bloody nose!” I glanced over at the casket and saw a light brown line from his nose to the side of his face. “No honey, it’s just the shadow. It’s...
I’m Going Down - Florence and the Machine...
there is this frank turner song where he has a...
but of course he says “i miss you, your music, and your musk and your kisses”. But I still sat here for twenty minutes trying to figure out why any guy would want to kiss any woman with kisses that are muscular.
I don’t think I’ll ever be very far from that 8 year old girl who bet her brother that them good ol’ boys were drinkin’ whiskey and wine.
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the truth about dogs and cats.
For me, you can be the strangest fucking dog person ever. you can have dog calendars hanging in your kitchen and dogs on your pajamas and knitted potholders that says “I <3 my Puggle” and have fourteen dogs and name them all after spices and dress them up in Halloween costumes and create Facebook pages for them and send your dogs by taxicab from New York City to San Francisco and...
Why I hate everyone part 649
(while discussing upcoming heart disease awareness event)
Coworker 1: We have to do guess the number of jelly beans. People LOVE guess the jelly beans.
Coworkers 3-5: Ooh yeah that’s a classic. Have to do it.
ME: Or we could have them guess the number of something that actually promotes heart health. Like raw almonds.
blank stares
awkward silence
Coworker 1: But everyone LOVES jelly...
Last night I had this elaborate dream that my dad had died. It lasted eight hours and I woke up with a pounding headache from crying so hard in my sleep, with my eyes glued shut with tears.
Five minutes ago my best friend from sixth grade called me and told me her Dad just passed away, suddenly.
I am so freaked out and sad right now.
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my alter-ego is Sara Elisabeth Swan
Sara Elisabeth Swan takes no bullshit. Sara Elisabeth Swan can eat a taco while driving. Sara Elisabeth Swan takes black and white photographs wherever she goes and develops them in a darkroom. Sara Elisabeth Swan sits alone in her apartment and drinks whiskey like me, but she tells better stories. She lives in California and Sara Elisabeth Swan can fucking surf. Sara Elisabeth Swan knows about...
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lessons in texting
what I meant to say: now that we are grown-ups can we please throw a fondue party?
what I said: now that we ate grown-ups can we please throw a fondle party?
I just wrote this realllllly long post about how...
and then I realized I’m just really fucking high and deleted it.
mika - happy ending
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“New Rule: If you believe you need to take all the pills the pharmaceutical...”
– Bill Maher
December 2011
36 posts
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true facts about today
1. I will wear a dress.
2. I will eat snacks.
3. I will sleep in a bathtub. Probably. Maybe.
“May you walk a lighted path. May you fight for truth - your truth, not someone...”
changingstephanie asked: Marry me.
glory days.
“Now, last but not least, the men and women — the mighty men and women — of the E Street Band. Oh Lord … Oh Lord … who I have reeducated and rededicated, reanimated, resuscitated and reinvigorated with the power, the magic, the mystery, the ministry of rock ‘n’ roll. Vini Lopez, Boom Carter — early drummers of the band. David Sancious. Nils Lofgren,...
Now I know your mama she don't like me 'cause I...
And I know your daddy he don’t dig me, but he never did understand!
When I was a kid my mom went to karaoke once and got a cassette tape of herself singing ‘You’re So Vain’ by Carly Simon. I was obsessed with it. I listened to it all the time. If we were driving somewhere in the car and the song came on I’d be like ‘oh, that’s my Mom on the radio’ and my friends would be like ‘oh your Mom is Carly Simon, huh?’...
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an important conversation
Friend: I think I'm going to cover 'Forever Young'.
ME: Dylan?
HIM: Of course Dylan!
ME: Well, Rod Stewart has a song called 'Forever Young' too!
Him: I'm aware. But why the fuck would anyone cover Rod Stewart?
